Closing the Door
Written on 30 November 2007 by Sherri W.So I am officially done with NaBloPoMo for the year. 28 out of 30, which isn’t perfect but is better than I might have expected, especially with the crapfest the month turned out to be.
No great shocker: I’ll be doing some work this weekend. I’m almost always working on the weekend. Add that to the holiday shopping (and maybe decorating) on the goal-list, and I expect I won’t be feeling any kind of rested at all come Monday.
Oh well. Wish I could end the project on a happier note, but that’s not the way life is these days.
Running Out Of Steam
Written on 29 November 2007 by Sherri W.I am so over this NaBloPoMo thing. Luckily enough it’s Nov. 29th, so I’m almost at the end of the month anyways.
But I am seriously tired of having to check in every freaking day. I’m fat, pathetic, depressed, my life sucks and I still miss my damn dog, okay? I got nothing else to say, and 30 days of that just gets OLD.
I’ll probably still touch base tomorrow—too much of that lingering good girl complex for me to shake. And once the calendar turns to December, I hope I’ll springboard from the daily discipline to write regularly and not to neglect this creature for months at a time.
But I have z-e-r-o desire to carry forward with posting every single day. Those that do, I don’t know how you manage it. Y’all are better bloggers than I….
The Smallest Steps Ever
Written on 28 November 2007 by Sherri W.Well, I got out the workout tape again, which gives me two workouts so far this week–if you count the week as starting on Sunday. Even if my week starts on Monday, I’ve still worked out more in this seven-day period than in any other recent week.
Of course, the workouts themselves are ridiculously abbreviated. Today’s accomplishment: 18 minutes instead of Sunday’s 15.
I’d feel guiltier about that if everything weren’t feeling so sore and achy (as I reported last night). To be doing anything is better than the nothing I’ve been doing for months. And to be doing something in the midst of all the physical and emotional offshoots of depression? Go me.
I’ll try adding on a little bit more each time till I can get through the whole thing. Even if it takes me till New Year’s to get there…..
The Other Side of the Coin
Written on 27 November 2007 by Sherri W.I’m wondering what it’s like for Matt, living with someone (me!) who’s been in a bit of a depressive freefall of late. I’m currently too brain-fogged (or perhaps chickenshit) to ask him right now.
For all that it’s a marketing line (and for all that I don’t entirley agree with the marketing of prescription drugs), I gotta admit that the Cymbalta people are right. Depression fucking hurts. Everything aches and feels sore right about now.
Including my splitting mondo-sized headache, which is why I’m on the bedtime train. I may want Mel B. to take the trophy, but I don’t have it in me to watch the rest of the show. I’ll get the results online when I’m up at 4 AM with insomnia….
Better Living Through Chemistry
Written on 26 November 2007 by Sherri W.Well, the sleep deprivation chronicles continue, so tonight I’m going to try a dose of Tylenol PM on hopes it gets me past the 2 AM crisis point.
I’ve also spoken to my doctor today about re-starting Prozac. The fall has been all sorts of disappointing, and I just need a little extra help these days.
We’ll see how long it take to go through the procedural steps and for the meds to take effect. Til then, I guess it’s the same “gritting my teeth” approach to life that’s been getting me through the recent days.
Sisyphean Effort
Written on 25 November 2007 by Sherri W.Well, I’ve just about regained every single pound I lost during 2006. So it’s time to yet again start climbing the mountain and try the big depressing deprivation-filled weight loss project.
What with my current depressed mood and the onset of holiday treats, I’m not even gonna try to worry about my food choices right now. My first steps are simple ones:
1. No food for the last two hours before I go to bed. Supposedly this helps your metabolism.
2. I’m going to try and limit alcohol consumption. Again, what with the holidays, it’d be setting myself up for failure to ask myself never to have a glass of wine or champagne. But I’m going to limit the number of times I say yes—whether that means saying no at some event, or just having a single glass at an event and no more. (Perhaps both those approaches.)
3. By gum, I am going to find the time to exercise. I’m not even predicting how many days per week I’ll manage it. But I did it today. For all of 20 minutes before I ran out of gas. (I am so frustratingly out of shape.) But it’s a start. Maybe next time I’ll manage 22.
Here’s hoping the first steps do some good. ‘Cos I am unspeakable unhappy and disgusted with myself and my body. So disgusted, in fact, that it hardly seems worth trying. And I’m going to have to work really hard not to give in to that sense of fatalism.
Hurtling into the Holidays
Written on 24 November 2007 by Sherri W.I am somewhat embarrassed to admit how out-of-sorts I am this holiday weekend without the four-legged child. As my sadness continues to resurface, I’m ever-afeared that someone’s going to scoff at me for over-reacting ‘cos this is “just about a dog.”
However.
I’ve been out-of-sorts.
Nonetheless, I’ve been periodically throwing myself into holiday stuff. We spent Thanksgiving itself with some of Matt’s family, but I did our own “Thanksgiving the sequal” dinner tonight. Meanwhile, the houses in the Christmas village are set up, the main living room tree is up and I’ve started putting ornaments on it. Matt went out today and bought new colored lights so I can do the ficus downstairs (our old strings of lights went dead).
I also asked him to buy another tree for the second floor. We’ll have to tuck one of the end tables in a closet for the season to make room for it*, but I think I want the extra cheerfulness of having a tree and ornaments up in the room where we spend so much time.
And in the midst of all the cooking and decorating, I’ve also started very slowly throwing out the doggie meds and treats that we don’t have any use for anymore. More sorting and disposing — some to trash, some to charity, if we can find a charitable use, and some into storage ‘cos we’re not ready to entirely let go — will follow bit by bit.
It’s a surreal mixture of trying to distract myself and facing reality. At one moment this afternoon, Matt and his brother were peeling potatoes in the kitchen while I stood in the next room, holding a tree ornament and trying to keep my tears silent ‘cos I’d suddenly been flooded with sadness and I didn’t want to be a bother or a nuisance.
Oh well. Nothing to do but take it day by day. And I’m gonna keep throwing myself into holiday-ness. I love this time of year, and even though I know things are gonna be tinged with some sad and some bittersweet this year, I still want to have all the traditions and the decorations I love so much. Especially this year.
* I’ve already done so, earlier today.
Oh, Say Can You Sing?
Written on 23 November 2007 by Sherri W.We took an outing to the Philadelphia Phantoms game tonight. And I think somewhere along the line I’ve turned into a crabby old woman, ‘cos all I want to know is:
When the fuck did the National Anthem become a spectator sport, instead of something the singer leads while all the Americans in the audience sing along?!?
I don’t even think of myself as a super-patriotic type. No flag decals on my car or anything like that. but knowing the anthem, and singing along at public events where it’s sung—that’s just like the basic bare-minimum level of civic awareness, as far as I’m concerned. (Well, that and voting. And voting’s undeniably the more important civic duty. But. Still!!!)
grumble
Knit the Ravell’d Sleeve
Written on 21 November 2007 by Sherri W.I did not make good use of my sleeping scrip last week—kept staying up too late for it to be safe to take a pill, for fear of all kinds of badness when the AM alarm went off before the dose had worn off.
For the holiday weekend, I’m trying to be much more strategic and responsible about actually using my prescribed medicine to treat my health. ‘Cos this sleep deprivation is getting to me and BAD.
So yeah, it’s not even 9:30, and yeah I have no set time to get up tomorrow. Nonetheless, i am taking my pill and hopping off to beddy-bye soon. If I’m lucky, I’ll sleep some ten hours or more before I wake up. if I’m even luckier, I’ll repeat that stunt Thursday, friday, and Saturday nights.
Here’s hoping.
Tummyache
Written on 20 November 2007 by Sherri W.I feel like crap. My stomach has been acidy and quasi-upset for days. I’ve begun popping antacids like I did that one fall before I got the ulcer.
I really really realy wish I could take a sick day tomorrow to sleep all day and take maybe get better. Alas, as always, there’s something too important to attend to.
